who would play you in a movie?

A game in our group that has reached the cult status of "odd one out" and "what snack am i?" is "who would play you in a movie?" The rules are simple. It's gotta be someone famous. It's gotta be someone who matches your vitals, your character, and your essence. It's gotta be someone slightly better looking than yourself. Perfect matches include Neve Campbell as Lena, Uma Thurman as Sarah, Catherine Zeta Jones as Natasha, Kirsten Dunst as Jane, Ed from Northern Exposure (who?) as Alex, Sarah Jessica Parker as Jord, and Jennifer Connelly as Alita (you may not know Alita, she is a friend of mine, and it's a REALLY perfect match that I came up with yesterday and I am very excited about it). Other matches are more controversial. I'm not too happy with Winona Ryder. I haven't been a shoplifting drug addict in years. James wasn't keen on Ethan Hawke, despite being thrilled at their mutual ruggedness (and would it mean he'd get to pork Uma, i.e. Sarah??). Clearly the game has limits. So in somewhat of a revolt led by James, we have decided that... (in your deepest, smoothest movie voice please)
...from the directors of Matrix..
and the producers of Jurassic Park..
comes
The Story of James and Tatty..
starring Arnold Schwartznegger and Pamela Anderson.

A successfully struggling musician by day, James (Schwartznegger) had acquired a different kind of fame, building pecs and pumping iron (and Irene) by night.. little did the members of Kid Confucius know that the chart classic Inhale.. Exhale.. was written in response to a particularly gruelling training session involving a Swedish dwarf and a Puerto Rican degenerate in the basement of James' parents' house in the ghetto. James' double life becomes exposed when he is driven make a choice between the life of underground steroid-munching, or snorting coke on stage..

Tatty (Anderson) always wondered why she had such good "rapport" with the teenage junkies she was so devoted to. She put it down to her approachable nature and fun-loving personality. One day she looked in the mirror and realised she wasn't wearing very much and had GG-sized breasts. The words "action plan", "group session", and "handover" suddenly took on a very different meaning. Tatty started to wonder whether she was in fact in the right industry, or whether she was wasting her life in welfare when she could be the spokesperson for Green M&Ms.

This is a story of two ordinary people forced to make extraordinary choices. Featuring the new Kid Confucius single "Make up your mind", it compels us all to look in the mirror, which the lead characters do for the majority of their screen time. Coming soon to a drive-in near you..