Presenting...the Stars of the Show!!

who would play you in a movie?

A game in our group that has reached the cult status of "odd one out" and "what snack am i?" is "who would play you in a movie?" The rules are simple. It's gotta be someone famous. It's gotta be someone who matches your vitals, your character, and your essence. It's gotta be someone slightly better looking than yourself. Perfect matches include Neve Campbell as Lena, Uma Thurman as Sarah, Catherine Zeta Jones as Natasha, Kirsten Dunst as Jane, Ed from Northern Exposure (who?) as Alex, Sarah Jessica Parker as Jord, and Jennifer Connelly as Alita (you may not know Alita, she is a friend of mine, and it's a REALLY perfect match that I came up with yesterday and I am very excited about it). Other matches are more controversial. I'm not too happy with Winona Ryder. I haven't been a shoplifting drug addict in years. James wasn't keen on Ethan Hawke, despite being thrilled at their mutual ruggedness (and would it mean he'd get to pork Uma, i.e. Sarah??). Clearly the game has limits. So in somewhat of a revolt led by James, we have decided that... (in your deepest, smoothest movie voice please)
...from the directors of Matrix..
and the producers of Jurassic Park..
comes
The Story of James and Tatty..
starring Arnold Schwartznegger and Pamela Anderson.

A successfully struggling musician by day, James (Schwartznegger) had acquired a different kind of fame, building pecs and pumping iron (and Irene) by night.. little did the members of Kid Confucius know that the chart classic Inhale.. Exhale.. was written in response to a particularly gruelling training session involving a Swedish dwarf and a Puerto Rican degenerate in the basement of James' parents' house in the ghetto. James' double life becomes exposed when he is driven make a choice between the life of underground steroid-munching, or snorting coke on stage..

Tatty (Anderson) always wondered why she had such good "rapport" with the teenage junkies she was so devoted to. She put it down to her approachable nature and fun-loving personality. One day she looked in the mirror and realised she wasn't wearing very much and had GG-sized breasts. The words "action plan", "group session", and "handover" suddenly took on a very different meaning. Tatty started to wonder whether she was in fact in the right industry, or whether she was wasting her life in welfare when she could be the spokesperson for Green M&Ms.

This is a story of two ordinary people forced to make extraordinary choices. Featuring the new Kid Confucius single "Make up your mind", it compels us all to look in the mirror, which the lead characters do for the majority of their screen time. Coming soon to a drive-in near you..

James Finds Satan.

To your left you can see my boss, Kevin. He is an evil, evil man. Using words like "no blame culture" to disguise the fact that, in actuality, he is the devil incarnate. Lena, Juvanka and Maya; remember Alison from SalesForce? Well, Kevin is her gay, male equivilant. I bet that they even live together, plotting against people (me, namely) and giving each other reach-arounds (that one's for you, Tatts). In the den of their house they probably keep Hallie from Brodie's stowed away, only unleashing her when they need someone doubly as devlish to do their dirty work. For dinner, Kevin eats babies. At lunch, I once saw him draw blood from an innocent little puppy, blood that was used instead of milk in his coffee. I have attatched an image of the puppy below, just to let you know how evil he is. And why, you ask, is this man so evil? Der, he's the devil, douchebag. He walks around my call centre, making sure that no one takes longer than 3 seconds between calls, and whipping with his ball and chain anyone who disobeys him. I've tried numerous ways of defeating him - crosses, images of the baby Jesus, silver bullets, bibles, holy water, the Torah, a shotgun - but he seems to powerful for all of them, casting them aside like flies with his nonsensical sentences like "you have to really empathise with the customer to provide optimum levels of customer service - really try and walk a mile in the customer's shoes..."

Anyway, just thought you should all know.

Talk With A Smile - This is What Happens to My Brain at Work.

I've recently been walking around with a beautiful smile on my face because I work in a direct goal orientated culture. Which pleases me greatly, as I've been wanting to upgrade my synergy and quantise my benefit status. My boss (Kevin) says that my work is showing a great deal of profile acknowledgent on all action item fronts.

But this has got me thinking - am I ticking all the right boxes? Are my management systems performing with maximum capacity? What can I do to improve my product knowledge and eventually capitalise on any movement potential? Would this entrap excess bandwidth? My face time has been diminished by the target environment lately, and perhaps I'm losing sight of the big picture. I really think it's time that I took ownership of the situation and put my foot down. Taking it one client at a time just won't cut the mustard any more. I need some form of maintenance improvement.

And how can this be achieved? I must, despite all indicators pointing to the contrary, invest time in the global roll-out. All around me, key markets are expanding on a universal scale, resulting in a clear over saturation of actionable environments. To help gain traction, I feel it is important to attain a clear view of primary objectives, which are, obviously, in need of an urgent statistical massage. Thus it is my mission statement, from here on in, to become the pacesetter. Disambiguation is a must, and I will not rest until all zerotasking has been eradicated. Those who feel the desire to upskill should take the golden opportunities presented to them in such a ambition friendly workplace. This is the only way things can be forward - moved.

Nevertheless, nay-sayers seem to be on the uprise. I'm hearing plenty of chatter that says "James, why even try? We live in such a globalised world now that one cannot help but feel over-frustrated, what with all the multitasking one is required to optimise in these difficult times. Look at your friends - they seem to be enjoying the world-universe of possibilities without any lingering feelings of self-guilt or status anxiety. Why not just sit back, relax, and let the good times role?" To which I reply "maybe."

But have these nay-sayers ever been involved in the wonderful no blame / target assessed workplace that I have the privilage of being privy to? Do they really understand nu- market forces? I think not. One cannot truly realize the pressures of the machine until one has been intimately involved in it's inner workings, and when, like me, one has, one realises that the only way to go is directively!

So from this day, let this be my source subjective affirmation: Hencforth, I will adhere to my goal management strategy, and take no prisoners.

NB: Whilst I acknowledge this post is not Lena - specific, I firmly believe that this is a subject that impacts us all.

Guilty as charged..

Hello all.. I am so so sorry that i am shit and haven't replied to all this incredible amazing blog insanity.. you cannot imagine how happy and shocked and amused and astonished and i'm-out-of-adjectives-cos-i-spend-all-day-talking-to-2-year-old-japanese-children-but-you-get-the-idea.. so yes, THANK YOU!!! YOU ALL ROCK!!!!
I wish that I'd done this last night when I was totally drunk after climbing a mountain, bonding w/ a million japanese firemen and then eating entirely too mcuh mexican and drinking entirely too many margaritas.. but instead i'm writing this today - when not only have I not climbed a mountain, not gotten drunk and not seen a single fireman, but instead have missed japanese class, been abused over the phone by the russian embassy, and misplaced my camera.. bah..
So in answer to your questions..








I'm in the JP baby!!
lots and lots of love, hugs, green tea, sushi, and stupidity.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx rina :)

cousin sandwich, anybody?

so like.. where the FUCK is Lena? I mean i know two blogs are too much for a hectic Japanese lifestyle.. but like a word or two from the dedicatee of this blog would go down nicely.
i hope i am not assuming a guilt-tripping tone, cos that ain't my intention. I am just not drunk enough to attempt to be funny. in fact i am suspiciously sober.
So i hear that some people use blogs as a device to hook up women nation-wide, and perhaps even across the waters (ahhrrmmjamesaaahheerrmm).
Can this blog facilitate hook-ups? Do the photos on the right hand side and the top panel do us justice? OK what about this --- the new faces of Lesbians on the Loose.. (check out my scalp) and you thought it was illegal, yes we are related, but it's the only thing stopping us. When did incest become hot, anyway?
The bec and the Bec's brother-- it's not on.. even if it's on!

OK well this is an official call for comments and submissions. and dominations. (dadoom schhhh)
and i will leave you with a final image, which i call "my cousin is a homicidal maniac but i love her anyway though i am a little scared myself right now"
love to youse all.
xxxxx Tatts
oh uhm.. and if anyone is interested in the hook-ups, you've got my number.

Happy Birthday Leeeeena!

it's a bit late right now, and i can't think straight cos i been off alcohol lately and this means my brain's going through some difficult readjusting stage of my character, which is pretty damn confusing at times but i am managing somehow by doing stuff like going to gym 3 times a week, which is making me feel even more strange and kind of fit, which fucking strange i gotta tel you, and by the time you see me next i'll be so fucking removed from who i used to be that you will need to spend approximately 3 weeks straight with me 24-7 in order to catch up, but maybe if i keep typing this that won't be that necessary cos you'll read it and say "oh he's just the same", but maybe you won't, but then again it was probably a good idea anyway, because all i wanted to say was to say "hi and happy birthday!" but instead i'm rambling on about crap, which is bad cos it's late and my brain's sober for the first time in more than 10 years probably, ahaha, yeah, kind of sad, but hey! it's your birthday! and i'm not gonna drink for you, but i can smoke one for you, if you know what i mean... so yeah, Happy happy birthday you crazy girl! Wish you everything you ever wanted Lena!

now heesco needs some sleep.